It is strange being a person; most days I feel like a plastic bag caught on a fence"
~ Jann Arden

There are always those days when only a song can say it, because I am not exactly trying to say anything as much as I am trying to express the giant-ness of the emotion that I am feeling on those particular days. I am having a month of days like that.

There is nothing more heartbreaking that leaving what you know and moving on. I envy these people that love change and can't wait to get a move on. I put down my roots in relationships, houses, churches, communities, and when it comes time to leave It's like pulling teeth for me.

I remember starting to read Don Millar's "Across Painted Deserts". On the first page he says "I like change. If you don't change, you don't grow. And if you're not growing then you're dead."

I slammed the book shut at that point. I put it down for a week because I was not ready to deal with the validity of that statement.

But as I get older, I am getting better at dealing with this frustrating aspect of life. This continuous migration of the heart. I am realizing that I, partially, have hard time with change because I can be incredibly insecure at times. When I finally find a place where I feel accepted and safe, like I belong, I hang on to it for dear life and usually end up feeling betrayed and rejected in the end. It's so ridiculous because life is not static and neither are people. But I am finding the more you understand and accept your insecurity, the easier it is to keep it under control.

I am also getting better because I've learned the hard way enough times to actually start to do things the right way. To not throw away opportunities and to love people unconditionally, with open hands. When I was younger I used to want to get married because then I would finally have someone who wouldn't leave me, and if he did I could at least take half of his net worth. What a horrible, awful way to think. But it's true. Until my brother called me out on it and said if that was why I wanted to a husband then I didn't deserve to have one because that is selfish, fear-driven manipulation disguised as love. Ouch. That changed my thinking a little bit.

And God has been working on my heart at such a deep level recently. I find that He always puts me in vulnerable situations, takes away all of my hiding places and defenses, and then teaches me what is in my heart. Moving out, changing churches, being forced to let go of people and things I love...All of these things have disarmed me so that He can show me that He alone is my sufficiency. I am among all other women who wrestle with a mistrust of God and as a result must endure being brought back to the desert time and time again to be changed and molded by a God who is a jealous lover. Oh I hope I get it right this time!

Through this "heart surgery" I have at least become more and more aware of myself. I am going deeper and deeper into myself and actually working though the immense fear I have of who I really am. I am dealing with my issues. And I am becoming more and more in tune with beauty. With art, I am becoming a better woman, a better songwriter and a better friend. And one day I will be an even better wife.

Scriptures:

Hosea 2:13-15
I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

Deuteronomy 8:2
"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands."

Haggai 5:1
Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the LORD.

"You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?" declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house.

Shout Outs:

Christa - Thank you for your love and encouragement and for being a true friend.
Tanya - I never imagined we would end up such good friends. I owe you so so so so so much.
Ryane - We need more Gilmore Girl Nights! Thanks for making me smile :)
AJ and Breanna - My sistas! You guys rock my world! What a killer weekend - I so needed that!
Mom and Dad - I love being able to still come 'home'. Thanks you.
Kellen - For letting me keep my car (pink slips are for suckers!)
James - God has used you so powerfully in my life as of late. I would've been lost without you!
Kevin - Thank you for telling me you miss me! We need another adventure soon...

Books:

Beowulf
Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Alboum
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
Ecclesiastes

Film:

Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason
Jann Arden: A Work in Progress
Garden State (always!)
Gilmore Girls Season Five on DVD!

In the Stereo:

Sarah MacLachlan
Heather Clark
Catie Curtis
John Michael Talbot
Sugarcult
The Beetles
Forty Foot Echo
Lifehouse

Songs that say it better that I can:

Dice
Finley Quaye & William Orbit Lyrics

I was crying over you
I am smiling I think of you
Where your garden have no walls
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell

Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear that your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear that your love's for me

I was crying over you
I am smiling I think of you
Misty morning and water falls
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell

Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me

Virtuous sensibility
Escape velocity
Nothing can compare
To when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me
Nothing can compare
Breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don't say farewell
Nothing...

Maybe I'm Amazed
Paul McCartney, as performed by Jem

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time
And Hung Me On A Line
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Brand New Day
Forty Foot Echo

Never thought I'd say I'm sorry
Never thought I'd be the one to bring you down
Now when I look out my window
But there doesn't seem to be anyone around

And I, I think I'll change my ways
So all your words get noticed
Tomorrow's a brand new day
Tomorrow's a new day

We said we'd take little time
For both of us to see
and wonder what it'd be like to carry on
Ya,I know I got crazy
Well I guess that's just me
If I could turn back time before
The wrong

And I, I think I'll change my ways
So all your words get noticed
Tomorrow's a brand new day
Tomorrow's a new day

Ya, And I, I think I'll change my ways
So all your words get noticed
I think I'll change my ways
I think I'll change my ways
Ahhhhh, Ahhhhh
I think I'll change my ways

Never thought I'd say I'm sorry
Never thought I'd be the one
To bring you down

100 Miles
Catie Curtis

My mind is racing and my feet are moving slow
I look all around me don't see anything I know
I'd like to answer you but I can't clarify
If I'm 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

I see signs of trouble but I don't know what to think
I don't want to rock the boat or let it slowly sink
I'd ask you questions but I don't want to make you cry
If I'm 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

It's gonna rain, it's gonna pour
Through sickness and worse can I love more
You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

My mind is racing and I'm sorry if it hurts
I've never been somewhere that I could not reverse
If I don't wonder, if I don't take my time
Am I 100 miles ahead or 100 miles behind

It's gonna rain, it's gonna pour
Through sickness and worse can I love more
You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

You carried me when I fell
Can I carry you, can I love that well

Here is something that I excerpted from my brother's blog. He is such an incredible man of God and I love his teaching. It spoke to me, so I thought I would post it for the rest of ya'll to check out. To see more of his stuff, check out www.cityofsaints.blog.com or click on "James" in hte sidebar to the right to link to his site. Enjoy,


Saint Vision: the evolution of our thoughts and paradigms.

this is just thinking out loud here, but try it on and tell me what you think:

"They did what's right by them" or at least I think thats the quote. Jack sparrow, pirate guy in a movie talking 'bout some friends of his who sold him out. " Did whats right by them. can't expect much more than that."

something about this stirrs me.

It speaks of a measure of integrity, where even if there are bad results, people tried to stick to what they thought was right. See, they were infact wrong about what right is, but that isn't the point in this moment.

Infact, maybe it isn't the point in alot of moments...

I am not syaing that bad things are ok so long as the intentions were good. consequence and justice are needed. and truth is truth.

its just... I see a picture of an athiest relating to a street person. driven by mixed motives, but one of them is compassion. The athiest stands completely as a sinner, before a sinner, two people trying to get by, one with better luck.

Makes me think of my approach... so different...

I think Christians... well christians alot like me have lost the sinners touch. We somehow think we are better, thats why I don't come as one sinner to another, but as a christian, High and Mighty, policing the universe.

Christians aren't called to be Cops, writing out tickets of conviction for all the things people do wrong. Much less judge and jury. Neither are we supposed to sit there uncomfortably and be passive about sin.

We are supposed to be an example of what happens when a regular joe sinner is touched by the grace of Jesus. not point out how everyone else hasn't been.

It just reminds me how i've stood agast at smokers, Girls who get drunk at parties and people who believe in evolution... the actions are wrong. Wrong as hell. but the people are God's, they are loved and valuable. they are me on the other side of th cross...

I police the universe so that there are enough tickets floating around that mine get lost in the shuffle. But that is not Jesus. His blood didn't invent red tape, it melted it. all of it. "there is no more dignifying thing we can do in this life than to come as we truly are, to God as he truly is." We are blessed in where we are going.... but I am forever where I've come from. Lose the sin... keep the touch.