Pura Vita

Sometimes I feel like I can only rest when depression finally overpowers me and wrestles all of my distractions and empty, useless pursuits out of my hands. Then I have a day like today. A depression day. A day of staying in my pyjamas. Of talking to my mother. Of making tea ten times and wandering like a ghost up and down the hallways of my parent's house, wondering if I will ever be able to make a home for myself with that many memories.

The sky is gray outside, and I like it. It suits my mood. I might have actually been disappointed in the sun today if it had poked it's bright head through the clouds. When I have days like this, sunny days feel like clowns at a funeral or something.

I really enjoy days like these. I remember when I was little I would always tell my parents "I'm sick...I'm sick...I have to go to the hospital". Not because I enjoyed hospitals, although the presents and attention from visitors was always nice. But looking back now, I think it was more about the fact that it was the one place where there was no schedule. No agenda. No school. No pressing appointments. I guess I was a strange kid. Probably explains why I'm a strange adult.

But I really enjoy downtime. I never got bored as a kid. I like being able to do what I want to, because then I get to do what my heart wants to do. Write songs, imagine, ponder nature and the mystery of God, daydream... all the beautiful things that feed my soul and make it so difficult to go to work everyday. I am so not cut out for a regular every day job. I have such a hard time convincing myself to do something that my heart isn't into. Days like today make me a better friend, a better songwriter, and a better person all around.

I have been called irresponsible, artistic, lazy, a dreamer and many other things be others who do not understand the pull on my spirit to escape into the mountains and embrace the wild. I skipped (most of) High School for that reason - I simply have to be where my heart is or I am miserable. Lord, forgive me if I let my emotions control me. And yet, when when I see you, when I can her your voice YOU say...

You love my heart and depth of spirit.

You wish more people would blow off earth-bound priorities to be with you.

You are captivated by me.

Maybe I can be irresponsible, and sometimes I do let important things slide. Maybe I am lazy and would rather write songs and stay up way too late to see the stars. But I am getting better at discipline. And I can tell you this: I have lived. Oh have I lived! I have wept bitterly over love lost, and I have loved so deeply that my heart nearly cracked open. I have tasted the sea and breathed the air. I have sought out things that scared me and then done them. I have jumped off cliffs. Stalked my curiosity to see where it goes. Sat in churches and slept on Wreck Beach in the same week. Hung around with the homeless, criminals and prostitutes, trying to get a sense of what their life is like. Memorized the stars. Sat in a field by myself at three in the morning to see the sky, untainted by the massive orange glow of the city. I have followed my heart to the strangest places - slept in my car by the river forty five minutes out of town because I found you there, Lord. I have written songs and poems, I have loved and lost, I have cried and wondered and been scared, and allowed myself to bleed openly and freely for those who I love. Made a couple good decisions and some really really bad ones, and above all my heart has found it's home in you. My heart feels at home when I am with you.

Today is a day to reflect on the grand adventure that is life. Sometimes if &%$#-ing hurts, but it's what we've been given. I hate happiness anyways. What a stupid thing to pursue, to sacrifice for. It always leaves you needy, wanting more, like a small wet blanket. I much prefer joy. I can feel joy even in the deepest of pain, because joy is not something I create, it's someting I choose.

Happiness serves self. Joy serves faith.

On the bookshelf:

Blue like Jazz - Donald Millar
A feast For Crows - George R.R. Martin
I'll tell you one damn thing, and that's all I know! - Jann Arden
My NAS preacher Bible, particularly the book of Ruth
My past journals

In the CD Player:

Lifehouse
Seven Mary Three
Yellowcard

On-line Journals I frequent:

Kim McMechan
Jann Arden
Amy Hales
Jeff Schroeder
James Henry

Shout-outs:

The Schroeders - Made some Schroeder brownies on the weekend! eating some right now, as a metter of fact. YUMMY!

Gemini - you are a faithful friend.

Chad - I believe the best.

Mom - Thank you for listening.

The Family - Thank you for being my pack.

Donald Millar, Kim McMechan, Jann Arden, Jason Wade - Thank you for sharing your souls and art with the world. Your music and writings have been very healing for me in this past dark year.

Joyce Fisher - Thank you for the encouragement.

Jesus - You are everything; my all-in-all.