what is it to love?
why am I only good at it when I am winning?
getting what I want
being praised and admired?

Lord, how can you love us the way you do . . .
when we hurt you
hate you
sin unapologetically
take your grace for granted?

There is no way it can be worth it.


We are

rebellious

hateful creatures.

we are

selfish

unkind

and disloyal.

What did it look like from the cross?
Would you do it again?
I suppose staying in this and not disposing of this planet is doing it again.

I need that perpective, Jesus.
I need to be reminded how to love like you.
I need to let go of the things that I want and embrace what you have for me.

I need to shut up and sit down,
Stare you in the face
Until I am so broken by my own depravity . . .
my own need
my sinfulness
my "unlike you-ness"
That I become desperate for your grace and your presense.

I need to feel your forgivenss flow over me like a river
And become still; drinking on your presense.

So if this is what I need, why do I
Continue to run around and fix everything and everyone
And talk shit about loving others and being a woman of God
When inside I am anything but . . .

Lord, I am sorry
For treating you this way
For treating myself this way
For treating my brothers and sisters this way
For blaming you
For running away
For refusing to take responsibility
For my own mess

Help me to see beauty again
And let it start with you.

I love you,
I really do - as best as I know how,
please, let that be enough.

Thank you for being everything I am not
and for letting that be enough to cover for me.
For paying my tab.
Thanks.


Books:
Captiviating(John & Staci Eldridge)
Clash of Kings (George R.R. Martin)
Romans 9

Tunes:
Shelter(Jobie Mallet)
Are you real? (KJ-52 feat. Jon Micah)
Recovering the Satelites (Counting Crows
Take me away (Lifehouse)
You are my hope (Skillet)
He wasn't(Avril Lavigne)
We believe(Good Charlotte)
The Corner (Common feat. the last prophets)
Easy 2 Slip (Solitair)
Come on up to the rising (Bruce Springsteen)