"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone...it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
- Andrew, Garden State

I so badly miss the feeling of being at home. I haven't had that feeling since I was 18, with the exception of a brief time at Jesus School. It's not that my family isn't wonderful, it's that I have no place to call my own. I feel restless, frustrated and I have long forgotton the sweet calm of "the Peace"....you know, that wave of liquid stillness that crashes over you in complete and utter silence.

I was going to write about the weather, which has been somewhat nicer than the thirty below we've experienced for the last 2 weeks. I was also going to discuss my dinner, which consisted of my dad's BBQ'd chicken, stuffing and LOTS of steamed broccoli...yum! But seriously, this is an "online journal" or wahtever, right? And seriously, who writes about the weather or what they had for dinner in their journal? Right. Tine to get real. So here goes, it's about as vulnerable as I can afford to be...

I am so broken.
I am broken because of choices I have made.
I am tired of pouring out and having nothing to show for it.
I am tired of living in denial and wounding.
Lord, are you even there? Can you here me?
I have come to the end of myself, and it is not a pleasent place.

I am tired of going to church and telling everyone I am fine when I'm not.
I don't know them or trust them, and I'm sure if I did tell the truth
it would be the last thing they would want to hear.
I am tried of playing church. Singing songs. Making an appearance.

I wonder how Sarah Martin is doing in Poland. Lord, bless her and
speak gently to her heart with love and healing.

I love water. I wish I could swim in your presence and drink it in.

I want to be done school, but I am so scared to be at the same time.
Do I have what it takes to "make it?". What is that anyways?
I have finally come to a place where I am okay with whatever happens
to me in my life. Death. Loss. Love. Joy. Whatever.
It's not like we ever "arrive" anyways, (thank you, Christa!)

It feels like I am resigning myself out of weariness. But I know it's because
I want to die well. With no regrets.

I am tired of crying. I want to feel at home, like I belong.
I want to embrace life with open arms.
I want to get married. I want to travel.
But above all I want to be free.

I love you Lord. You are so wise and patient and faithful.
You are better to me than I deserve.
Take me life, i lay it down.
It's not much but it's all I have to give.
Amen

Blessings (God said to count them, right?):
Cam, for teaching me to rejoice in everyting; Roger (my raccoon teddy bear); my good friend Chad for everything;, my Clinique moisturizer; drinking cold water; delay pedals; Revlon liquid eyeliner (very waterproof!); hoodies; time with God; my guitar; chicken-pineapple-broccli-terriyaki-stirfry (Jeff-I can cook now! It's SO good!); girl-time with Tanya; washing my car; finding lucky pennies; getting thrown in snowbanks by Kevin :) for NO REASON AT ALL!; my cellphone(which has Tetris! I'm addicted!); my freedom; my family; and above all, God's grace!!

Tunes:
"40"-Starfield / U2, "Famous One"-Chris Tomlin, "On the way down"-Ryan Cabrera, "Revolution"-P.O.D., "Saviour"-Skillet, "Filled with your glory"-Starfield, "Beautiful Soul"-Jesse McCartney, "Breakaway"-Kelley Clarkson, "Breathe, Stretch, Shake"-Mase, "Healer"-Ten Shekel Shirt, "Dwell"-Vineyard Music

Film:
Garden State, Return of the King

Books:
A Game of Thrones, Enter the Worship Circle (second time reading it!), the 2005 IKEA catalogue, 1 John, My side of the mountain.