The sun never comes up where it sets. Change is so hard sometimes. I have been so revived and so broken at the same time. I am so grateful for honesty, though. Even when it changes things that were so precious to your heart and makes you ask tough questions and get real with yourself. I like denial, but choosing comfort over growth has cost me so dearly in the past. This time I think I am doing a few things right. Relationships are so hard because they are so organic. There is no real tangible substance to them, and yet to me they are more real than anything else. I have a funny mixture of pain and peace - it feels kinda the way Jones Green Apple soda tastes - all sweet and sour and tingley all at once, but overall good...I think.
God asks you to do the most difficult things sometimes. Things that don't make sense and yet cost you everything you have inside. Things you don't even understand how to do and even if you did you couldn't do anyways. We had a few good arguments over the last few weeks, mostly because I am so short-sighted. And yet He has been so gracious to me, and so patient through the tears, the anger, the confusion, the giving up and coming back, the falling down and all the frustration....
Oh to have the vantage point from the throne of heaven!! I wish I could see what my Daddy does. I have a hard time living out of my spirit and not my heart. Possibly because I am artistic or maybe because I am a girl, but everything about me...My reactions, my thought processes, my motivations...Is drawn from a deep well of emotion. It's something God has been releasing in me since he smashed down all my defenses at Jesus School and showed me my heart. For so long I presented all my emotions in a nice untouchable package and used it to wall everything out because I was tired of being hurt. At least I find I write better songs now! But whatever the reason may be, I have a hard time letting go of my perspective which is so colored by how I feel and trusting his reason and purpose for everything. What a lesson....And one of the many learned in this heart surgery season.
It is amazing the blessing that comes out of doing things His way though...I may have just had my heart broken, that much is true. You can't loose one of your best friends, even temporarily, and not be crushed. But I know myself in a deeper, more intimate way. I have experienced the joy of being who I am, nothing more and nothing less. I have known the courage of not turning to run, but standing and looking the truth in the eyes. And most amazingly, resting in the peace of having someone who is willing to do the same for the sake of my friendship. I have been blessed to have had the luxury of a community of people who love me for it and speak into my life with honesty and insight and acceptance and grace.
I do think this season is coming to a close soon, though. I can feel a shift in my spirit, in the same way the winter has been melting into spring. I am learning to live and to love like Him, and no matter how many tears are shed in the process, that is a cost I will pay. After all, there's no better way to learn to truly love someone than to love them in the pain of the valley. The currency of heaven is faith, hope and love, is it not?

I hope you can forgive me. I do believe with all my heart that things will get back to good one day...